10. Body Piercing Plugs
Believe me, I’ve been there. The piercing you either got at the mall or did in your friend Tim’s basement with a safety pin just wasn’t cool enough, so you switched to 16-gauge hoops, then to 14, and before you knew it, you’ve shoved the biggest g*ddamn thing that doesn’t look like it will give you herpes through your ear lobe like you’re from f**king Ethiopia. But beware: once you’ve finally decided to take out the massive disks in your ears, your lobes will be so stretched, you’ll have to have them sew-up to keep from looking like you have a shriveled butt hole on each ear.
9. Risque Internet Pics
For some reason, people these days just can’t help posting pictures of themselves and their friends doing stupid, drunken, naked things online. But despite the fact that everybody’s doing it, don’t be fooled: Sometime, sooner or later, those pictures are going to come back to haunt you. And when they do, it will start a sh!tstorm you can’t even imagine. And pretty soon that trip to Vegas when you were 23 will turn into the reason you are fired from your job, divorced from your wife and/or estranged from your children. Seriously.
These days, having a tattoo is practically like having a belly button – everybody’s got one. The only difference is, having a belly button isn’t going to make you want to punch yourself in the face for stupidity as soon as you’re out of your “Jack Daniels phase.” Of course plenty of tattoos won’t be constantly regrettable reminders that you were once a retard. That is, unless you got any on your face, neck, fingers or any other place where your boss is then forced to know how much you used to like naked Star Wars characters. Oh and ladies, just so you know, one day that lower back tattoo you all seem to have is going to be known as the “old lady tattoo.” Not so sexy, is it?
7. Choosing Your Best Friend’s Girlfriend Over Your Best Friend
She was hot. She was so smokingly hot, your F’ing crotch could’ve spontaneously combusted at any moment. And the fact that she was untouchable, lest you ruin the entire friendship you and your best buddy had built up since you were six, made her all the more desirable. But one day, they broke up. And all of a sudden, you were spending your days holding hands and helping her pick out duvet covers. You and “that asshole” Mr. Ex stopped talking. Time goes by. Then some afternoon you come home to find her blowing a guy from the laundromat. And the sad thing is, in the end, you are the douchebag, and that’s all there is to it.
6. Getting Married Too Young
This rotten son-of-a-bitch trap can swallow even the most farsighted individuals. And I get it: You meet the woman of your dreams. You spend all your time with her; she gets all your jokes. And pretty soon, she’s on the pill and you’re living under the same roof, picking out paint for the dining room, secretly wondering what the hell happened to your manhood. Before you know it, you’re d*ck deep in webcam girl bills and pleated khakis. Next up, divorce, which charmingly includes going into debt to pay for the lawyers. But the sick twist is, she never wanted any of that bullsh!t either.
5. Not Traveling (Enough)
It’s hard to realize when you’re 21, but the time for whisking off to foreign lands with nothing to worry about besides which awesome thing to see next quickly evaporates. (Just ask any older person, they’ll tell you all about it.) Before you know it, you’re still in the same place you were seven years before, but with too many responsibilities to get away with jetting off to India for six months, just for the hell of it. So the best bet is to get as much traveling in while you’re single, childless and can still afford to not be working on building up your 401K (as if those mattered much these days, anyway). So what are you waiting for?
4. Not Finishing School
One thing you quickly learn in college is that not having any money to spend sucks a hot cup of assholes. By your junior year, all you want to do is sit still for two f**king seconds and relax, instead of zipping around like a PCP addict. So you drop out, get an OK job, do OK stuff and have OK things. Cool, right? Maybe. But if you want to really do something interesting with your life, you’re going to have to do a hell of a lot better than that.
Not only should you finish school, but you should become passionate about something, study abroad and then go to grad school. Become an expert. You know, or you could knock up some chick, get a predatory loan and hope to God you never get fired for the rest of your life.
(NOTE: I know, this is not always the case. Some of the most successful people in the world dropped out of school. Fine – whenever you want to go invent something that changes the world, be my guest.)
If you didn’t know smoking kills you by now, then you probably deserve whatever fate becomes you. Whatever. The thing the never-smokers don’t understand is, smoking is good for the soul, damnit! (Unfortunately, you only think that because you’re addicted to nicotine.) But unless you’re some type of endlessly-going genetic anomaly, THIS SH!T WILL KILL YOU. Seriously, so unless you want your kids to think you’re a total asswipe, quit right now. If you don’t want to have kids, fine. But that’s not going to make the chemo any less sucky, that’s all I’m sayin’…
2. Bad Credit
This one applies to everyone, since we Americans all seem to be addicted to f**king ourselves over in the long-run by getting greedy and buying a bunch of stupid crap every 10 seconds when we can’t afford it. Yep, I’ve been there, too. And for now, while your biggest commitment in life is playing Left4Dead, it might seem OK. But when you have a family to support and sending your kids to college is suddenly slopped on your plate, you’re going to be eating a giant sh!t sandwich. That is, unless you call saving for the future and holding-off on that new 50-inch plasma something other than a sh!t sandwich. Not that I have to tell you that anymore, since you don’t have a job. Hmmmm, I wonder how that happened…
1. Not Spending More Time With Your Parents
Mom and Dad might not be hip to your world or your life or even the Internet, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t the two most important people you have. And believe it or not, they can be gone before you know it. (Other times they stick around so long, you could kill them yourself, but that’s another article.)
So whether you live miles away or blocks, make sure to spend time with them whenever you can. Call them, send them a card, do anything that lets them know that you’re not a complete f**k-up. They will thank you for it, whether you know so now or not. It’s not to say that, if you are still living on your parent’s couch, you’re going to be the most satisfied person on the planet. But if you only see the folks once a year, you’re going to have some therapy bills to pay for once they pass, guaranteed.
Honorable Mentions: not banging a MILF, heavy drug use, not learning a foreign language, beastiality